I am not into SUVs, I swear!
But, every rule has an exception. Well, some actually, just a few, really. So let's start this embarassing probe into my sinful SUV-thoughts: first are the Land Rover Discovery (LR4) and Range Rover (no, not the sport, the real one). The Disco is a great mix of design and function which begs for some hybrid support. The Range is simply a classic, a luxury extravaganza with incredible capabilities - though not really better than the much cheaper, practical and less controversial Disco. And I still love the old original 2-door Range for it's visual simplicity and timeless elegance. In Diesel-land, Disco petrol V8s are extremely rare. Even EuRange Rovers most often are powered by engines based on the ingenuity of this guy named Rudolf. Dear American friends, it's just a question of time. If you want to continue drive those trucks, Diesels have the advantage of some rationality before everything turns electric.
And I admit, I somehow like the previous generation Cadillac SRX, which in dimension and design is actually quite Eurolandish. Over here, many of the SRXs are actually religiously converted to LPG, because otherwise no sane man would drive one at current Euro petrol prices. Propane rules. As a used car, the Caddy now is quite a bargain. You don't have to worry about choice, they are all greyish or black and have leather seats. Though some have 7 seats and others only 5, go figure. V6 or V8, who cares, tons of power that handling-wise you can't use anyway. The current gen SRX is good example of what cross-breeding can do to cars. Vehicles can get a double minus rating because they don't follow rational mathematical logic when mixing "minus" designs, despite endless marketing attempts.
Now to the BMW SUVS, SAVs or SDDs (Severe Design Disasters like the X6, which is worst ever BMW shape). The X-family is for people who like cars with huge wheels like hot-wheel toys. Any X1/2/3/5/6 which doesn't run on tyres (tires) as fat as tall, looks like a car-case of pneumatic anorexia. The best of the bunch is the X5, which is the only Bimmer with 7 seats and therefore a popular excuse for ownership :-) Similarly Audi Q-cars are not designed by the James Bond tech geniuses. No they rather look like incestious and bland, high-rider siblings of their posh estate / wagon brothers and sisters - bloated boredom.
The lifted "Allroad" A4 and A6 are actually more interesting than the real Qs, me thinks. Same for Volvo. Please Volvo, can you start making practical and elegant square design again. This bio-design flow thing looks more like design diarrhoea, diapers whatever. We want IKEA, Lego, Bang and more, Scandinavean clean and functional design, not some esoteric hocus-pocus designed with powerpoint. Have temperatures risen so fast, that the Baltic sea has become the new Mediterranean? That would be a reason to stop all emissions right now. The previous generation V70 are a great genetic basis - why creating those new wishywashy shapes which are impractical and not erotic at all?
Mercs SUVs are no G men either. They suffer from years of anabolica abuse. One exception. I kinda like the small off-spring. No Merc small pox design, rather a-cute boxy shrink-wrap. Especially with big wheels or maybe a treatment by Doctor Brabus. Don't look for a rationale where there is none.
The GLK reminds me of a previous gen Subaru Forrester. There we go, the Subaru SUV has been mentioned here. We simply forget about this other Subaru Uber-sized Vehicle.
And I respect the Toyota AWD family, the Cruisers, 4runners, HiLux & co. Euroland is deprived of a few of the Lex or Toy crawlers including the Venza which I quite like. But this is a confession post about the "not so bad" big canons, I should stick with the SUVs and trucks, not the lifted estates and wagons. An honourable mention goes to ICON TLC for their fascinating Land Cruiser craft. Celebrating engineering by transforming brilliant simplicity into an art form. I would love to see a company like Icon TLC passionately devoted to the original Range Rover.
Jeep could be similarly iconic, though Chrysler in recent years seemed determined to exterminate Jeeps by diluting the x-generations through meaningless cross-fertilisation. Jeep has become a showcase for marketing masturbation.
US trucks and pickups seem to morph into sometimes surprisingly interesting species, like the RAM 1500, the best-looking of the super-sized big brutes with interesting load and storage solutions and the misnomer Ford F150 Raptor. To me this is the T-Rex, or will there be anything more aggressive and bigger than that Baja monster? No surprise if the Raptor gets a Mopar-sourced Ram pal soon. Both Ram and Raptor are fascinating to non-American petrol heads, but very few of us could actually see ourselves turning up at family events in something of that size. The evening in town for food, drink and passion and the occasionally shopping for bread and butter is out of question too. Even our own Euro-cars have outgrown the standard Euro parking slots which have been painted around Minis built anno 1959.
Have I forgotten something, oh yes, the Mitsubishis, well simply check out what Pajero means in Spanish. Nissan's got the whatever generation of the Patrol - the Cruiser is better. Look at TV footage, the poor UN inspectors err around in Patrols while the baddies shoot from Toyota Pickups and the baddy bosses escape in Land Cruisers which only can be stopped by drone missiles. Nissan got a few other quite big wannabees and a few miscarriages like Cashkey whatever and this new Joker thing. I hope they stop the production of that atrocity designed by consensus-based kindergarten nonsense before it itś too late and our streets will have been contaminated by this SUVish lollipop.
Mazda and others will remain ignored in this post. Fortunately the Hummer thing seems over.
I now want to climax my SUV-rant on the queen of the devilish-sexy anti-mums - the Porsche Cayenne. The Euro definition of anti-social perverted narcissism. The symbol for politically correct out-rage: the Special Urban Vehicle by Porsche. The rethorical swiss knife of every politican: you have a problem, then simply point to gazillion Cayenne school runs which congest our streets, and people's focus on your shame miraculously evaporates. The Cayenne is the incarnation of aggressive motoring decadence for people who think the planet is not warm enough. In fact, Cayenne owners are the only cause for the depletion of oil and the Cayenne is the global central heating system driven by the female heads of hedge fund families.
And now the new Cayenne. Looking leaner and slimmer though it has actually grown. Has been on a real diet, loosing some substantial weight and looks the part. Initially I was disappointed about the "normalised" b and c-pillars, I liked the old yacht-like style. The sloping front grows on me. But I am still not fond of the rear lights. More than any other manufacturer Porsche seems to design cars with the facelift operations planned out for the next decades.
The new Cayenne is growing on me. And in typical Porsche fashion, add 50% to the price tag till it is conforming to your wishes like the panoramic roof, those Turbo wheels, interesting soft metallic tones with matching leather interior, nicer, finer and more comfortable seats than in your living room, ... or do you have air-sucking massage lounge chairs in front of your TV? A splashy dash as well. And BTW, the star of the range is not the Turbo but the clever hybrid. Now that's climate control to you and me. The most sexy production hybrid so far? Before this get's out of hand let me finish right here.
